A few years ago I decided that it would be a good idea to jump out of a plane. Skydiving had never really been on my “bucket-list” or anything, but at the time it just seemed like a fun thing to do. In the days leading up to it I was just super excited. Driving there I was thrilled that we were finally doing it. Getting changed into the outfits and helmets and getting trained to properly jump out left me jubilant with anticipation. Climbing into the plane with all the other jumpers and sitting down with all our gear made me giddy. But when we hit the 5000 feet mark and suddenly it was time to jump, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I was just so irritated with myself: “Why am I doing this?!” I thought. “I could die! Why am I taking my life into my hands like this?! This is absolutely ridiculous! I don’t want to do this anymore!” It’s a good thing that I was basically pushed out of the little plane, because otherwise I know that I would have ridden back to the sweet, sweet ground within the safety of the plane.
And just as quickly as that, I jumped and it was amazing and then it was over.
Lately, I’ve been in sort of the same place. I’ve been planning and preparing and getting excited about this thing for oh… my whole life? There’s never been a time in my conscious memory where I haven’t wanted to be a mom and have a big family, and do exactly what I’m doing. But recently, now that I’m one month away from my entire world changing, I’m getting flashes of anxiety in the way of, “OMG, this thing… it’s really happening. There’s no going back. Ever.” I’ll have about thirty more sleeps and then I’ll push out this little baby and I’ll never live a day again without being a mom. The utter finality of it is making me scared. I guess in the end it’s all part of the process, but the starkness and reality of the whole thing – it’s just really making my head spin…
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I struggled with that, too! It can be really overwhelming, but you'll figure out a way to make things work. It's a learn-as-you-go type deal anyway, this parenting stuff.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I never knew about the skydiving thing. I'm sure being a mom is easier than skydiving. Longer but easier.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. Parenting is terrifying. And scary. And forever. My own mom has a saying, " Parenting is a life joy, a life pleasure, and a life sentence."
ReplyDeleteThere are so many times as a mom that I just wanted to reverse time and go back to a time where the only thing I had to rely on was myself....but then the little poop-buckets would laugh or smile or look at me sheepishly from the middle row of the school Christmas concert and tears would come to my eyes and it would all seem worth it.
Just remember, you don't have to be perfect, you don't always have to love every minute of every hour you're a mom, you just have to make it through each day. Sometimes the days will fly by and others you'll have to sweat it out one agonizing second at a time.
Smile when you can, laugh at the most frustrating things, learn to appreciate the smell of spit up clothes, and get used to baby poop under your fingernails--after that, motherhood is cake!