Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Today is the first midwife appointment and I’m absolutely terrified. I tend to spend the few days prior to an appointment absolutely terrified about the news that they will deliver. Why is this? Everything has gone really well so far, and with the assurance of things going so well in the twelve-week appointment, I should really stop worrying that unspeakably horrible news will be delivered at an appointment. Yet every time, I’m so, so scared. I wish they would do the heartbeat thing first, so I can actually enjoy the rest of the appointment. I’ve tried to really think about what makes me so scared and anxious that something will go terribly awry, and have come up with the following:

-This is too easy. I got pregnant incredibly quickly and easily and surprisingly. I know that some people try for years and year and deal with all sorts of crap in trying to get pregnant. Why has it been so easy for me?

-I read a lot. I’ve read a ton of blogs about babies that die and mothers that loved them. So many of them knew it could/would happen, and just as many were completely blind sighted. I don’t want something horrifying to happen but reading about it all the time makes me really paranoid and scared.

-Everything is so good and happy that I’m sort-of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ugh, how I don’t want it to drop…

The bottom line is that I need to stop it and enjoy. An anxious mom makes an anxious baby, and that’s the last thing I need. I’m going to get all of my questions and concerns answered, and hopefully this late in the game, I can calm the hell down and just… breathe…

1 comment:

  1. Well, baby is great! You have always been a little bit Raskolnikov. But relax, bad things not always happen, and if they happen, why they should happen to you. I haven't had those worries with you. Only once, almost at the time of delivery, I had a dream that baby Dana was driving a tricycle and crashed. Everything is fine, allow yourself to enjoy it. Love