Monday, May 31, 2010

On being controlling

This week my little fetus is growing his first head hairs (hoping for red!) and is covered with fuzz all over his body, which he’ll hopefully loose by the time he makes his world debut. He’s 3.5 inches tall (not including his legs!) and weighs about an ounce and a half. He already knows how to suck his thumb, pee, and breathe the amniotic fluid that he’s swimming in. I wish I could see him, because I bet he’s really amazingly cute.

This weekend I thought a lot about control. I like to be in control of my life and thoughts and activities and destiny. I’m really good at managing other people, too. I can totally see how things are to be done in the best possible way, and I’m good at directing others to do them and to feel proud of their achievements. I feel like I often know the most beneficial and efficient way to do things, and I like when I get measured results for controlled efforts. I like waking up and knowing exactly what’s going to happen today, and get uncomfortable with deviations from the plan. And I realize how much of this I’m going to have to change.

Let’s say we skip the whole pregnancy bit of it (much of which I can actually control a little bit though my actions) and let’s move onto the delivery:

I’m going to be walking into a situation that I’ve never, ever experienced before. I realize that I can read everything in the world and become the most knowledgeable pregnant person in the universe, and still, nothing can ever prepare me for what will happen. It will be a situation that is completely unknown to me, and out of my control. Being prepared will certainly help, but I realize that things can’t go exactly according to my specifications and that I have to be flexible enough to let what happens happen.

And that? That’s just a teeny, tiny little minute fraction of this whole big thing we’re taking on. Once the baby is born, I can try to get him on a good schedule as much as I want, but ultimately he has to eat and poo and sleep, and I have a feeling he’ll be doing that on his own terms. I know that I’ll get up with my own carefully crafted schedule and agenda for our day, yet I’m going to have to be open-minded to the fact that baby may have other plans, and that things may get in the way of us achieving our daily/weekly/monthly goals. Luckily I have time to think and get used to the idea, because I realize that it’s going to be one of the toughest for me to handle.

2 comments:

  1. quote "I know that I’ll get up with my own carefully crafted schedule and agenda for our day, yet I’m going to have to be open-minded to the fact that baby may have other plans...." eoq.

    I am glad you have such a paragraph after the one in which you declare yourself, quote "I’m really good at managing other people" eoq.

    Let him/her BE !!!

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  2. Wow, you have a long way to go. There is nothing as difficult as crafting children's life. Tell me that I know about it.

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